Best Man no image

Published on March 30th, 2010 | by iamstaggered

25

Several Thousand Mother-In-Law Jokes

You know how annoying it is when you’re looking for one source of mother-in-law jokes but you have to go through all the bother of going to google, typing in “mother-in-law jokes” and then visiting like the first three or four sites to get what you need? Nightmare!

Well, no more. We’ve done all of the preparatory work (googling, copying) and can now present an incredible compendium of mother-in-law jokes all in one place – no googling required (unless you googled to get here).

Enjoy!

Looking for the jokes we commissioned? Here’s the top five:

  1. We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your coat.” Dave Spikey
  2. We got a new car for the mother-in-law – that Government scrappage scheme is great! Marc Whiteley
  3. Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa. Sean Lindsay
  4. My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. Gary Delaney
  5. STEVE:  My Mother-in-law went to the Caribbean. FRED:   Jamaica? STEVE:  Well I hope so, it’s hurricane season and she’s a horrible person. Stephen Holford

How do they compare to some of the ones that have been around for ages? Let us know your thoughts…

***************
I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly but she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
***************
AN anagram of mother-in-law is woman Hitler.
***************
HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
***************
WHAT’S the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.
***************
DID you hear about the man who threw his mother-in-law into the lion’s den at the zoo?
He’s being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.
***************
TWO cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.
One says to the other: “You know, I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
The other replies: “Just put her to the side and eat the mash.”
***************
WHAT are the two worst things about your mother-in-law?
Her faces.
***************
HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
Just one…mine!
***************
LAST week my wife and I went to buy a car and the salesman asked if I wanted an airbag. I said: “No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law.”
***************
LAWYER to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”
***************
A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

***************

FIRST man: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” Second man: “You’re lucky fella, mine’s still alive.”

***************

MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

***************

I ALWAYS know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door because the mice start throwing themselves on the traps.

***************

A MAN finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes ? but whatever he gets, his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a while and says: “First I’d like a million Pounds. Then beat me half to death.”

***************

BEHIND every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

***************

WHAT’S the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

***************

THE doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said: “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said: “Of course you can.” And shut the door in her face.

***************

DEFINITION of mixed emotions. Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

***************

FIRST man: “I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.”
Another asked: “Did you put it to sleep?”
The first replied: “No, I had its teeth sharpened.”

***************

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

***************

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. ‘This young man agreed to marry my daughter,’ said one.

‘No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,’ said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

‘Bring me my biggest sword,’ said Solomon, ‘and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ said the first lady.
But the other woman said, ‘Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.’

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. ‘This man must marry the first lady’s daughter,’ he proclaimed.
‘But she was willing to hew him in two!’ exclaimed the king’s court.

‘Indeed,’ said wise King Solomon. ‘That shows she is the true mother-in-law.’

***************

The wife’s Mother said, “When you’re dead, I’ll dance in your grave.” I said: “Good, I’m being buried at sea.”

***************

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’

***************

So you want to become my son-in-law?
Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.

***************

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him “there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us.”

The husband said, “who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?”

***************

Bill: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
George: We haven’t had any yet.

***************

I gave my mother-in-law a waterproof, shockproof, anti-magnetic, unbreakable watch. She went and lost it.

***************

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?

***************

A young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket. The young husband was standing by the switch. ‘Hello, darllng,’ said the mother, ‘George has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.’

***************

You know, I don’t know what I’d do without my mother-in-law – but it’s nice dreaming about it.
I mean, she’s not ugly – it’s just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
She’s found a new cheap way of making yoghourt and sour cream – she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.

***************

‘Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.’
‘Have you given her description to the police?’
‘No, they’d never believe me.’

***************

I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap.

***************

A constantly nagged and harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year Christmas came again and this year he didn’t buy her any present.

His mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was she forgotten this time.

The angry son-in-law responded, ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year.’

***************

“My wife said: ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said: ‘Why?’ and she said: ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already’. Bob Monkhouse

***************

“I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.” Henry Youngman

***************

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” Ken Dodd

***************

“A police recruit is asked during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?” He replies, “I’d call for backup.” Bernard Manning

***************

“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson

***************

“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” Henry Youngman

***************

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” Les Dawson

If you can spot any of the jokes should be attributed to a particular comedian then please feel free to let us know and we’ll amend it. info@iamstaggered.com

Comments

comments

Tags: , , , , , , ,


About the Author



25 Responses to Several Thousand Mother-In-Law Jokes

  1. The poor mother in law gets a bad name, some are quite lovely.
    And, how is there not a father in law joke section.
    Us poor women get all the abuse, and I hope to be a mother in law one day and I’m lovely, and any future son in law would be getting a clip around the ear for cheek.
    I think there should be balance quite frankly, lol !!!

  2. For what it’s worth I agree, but you can’t deny that some are a royal pain in the arse (same is true of everyone though).

    Any you’re right – we do need some father-in-law gags, but what on earth are the stereotypes about them? Sheds?

  3. Craig Morris says:

    Will we be doing horrible wife jokes? My favourite being the classic Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman) gag:
    “Talking about the terrible things…
    …my wife, take my wife. Please take her!
    No. No. I am only fooling. I love my wife.”

  4. Pingback: Funny Ha Ha, Not Funny Peculiar « Wedding TV Blog

  5. Don Mumper says:

    I have my on speed dial. It’s 666.

  6. Lee Johnson says:

    My Mother-in-Law bought me a couple of smart ties for Christmas so, before dinner, I nipped upstairs and slipped one on.

    I came down stairs thinking I’d won some brownie point and the Mother-in Law said, “what’s the matter, don’t you like the other one?”

  7. Pingback: www.Crystal-Jewels.co.uk » Blog Archive Guest Blog | How to Handle your Mother-In-Law - Crystal-Jewels.co.uk

  8. phil cooke says:

    When my mother in law was alive, I used to get up an hour earlier so I could hate her for longer.

  9. Matt says:

    Thankyou so much for these. My wife just had our first baby and my mother in law just went home today after staying with us in our 2 bedroom flat for 6 weeks and criticising me every day. They were much needed relief!

  10. John Cottrell says:

    A true story. One day my mother-in-law arrived uninvited for a visit.
    She was a smoker and the following day a major fire mysteriously broke out in the bedroom we had given her. It caused thousands of pounds worth of damage and she promptly decided to leave, complaining, “My best dress has been ruined by YOUR fire”.

    But there was a happy ending. She never visited us again.

  11. Pingback: How to Handle Your Mother-In-Law « The Wedding Community Blog

  12. j.c. says:

    Whats the differance between inlaws,& outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!

  13. chiqué says:

    i agree! Some mother inlaws are quite nice unlike mine who would go as far as perving on her son(my husband) and leaning over tables shaking her old wrinkled arse infront of him..DISGUSTING!!!

  14. Pingback: Secret Santas: the people who make Christmas Day go with a bang | RESIDE San Francisco

  15. Pingback: Secret Santas: the people who make Christmas Day go with a bang » The Joke Site

  16. Pingback: Is It Safe to Come Out Yet? | Iwantmyweekendsback's Blog

  17. gig says:

    i need some from a womans point of view., when i had my first child, my mother inlaw was at the bedside, told me to go asleep, and if the baby wakes up, that she will attach her to my breast!! i was also bad mouthing her, and didnt realise my daughter had answered the phone when she had rung! walked in in her doing her ‘naked’ exercises with a 70 yr old boyfriend. jesus, can u trace anti freeze in a body?

  18. Ultimate Android says:

    A man was interviewed with the question, “If your wife and mother-in-law are at sea and were simultaneously drowning, whom will you save and why?”

    Without skipping a beat, the man answered, “My mother-in-law, of course.”

    “Why?”

    “If my wife drowns, then she’ll no longer be my mother-in-law.”

  19. Ultimate Android says:

    Someone shared this story to me. I have a nice mother-in-law. *sigh of relief
    :D

  20. Pingback: How to be a GOOD In-Law | Mothering21

  21. Jerome Beavins says:

    my mother in law is so ugly that when she fell down ….the ground moved

  22. Captain Flatulence says:

    I can always tell when the Mother In Law is coming to stay at our house, because the mice through themselves on to the traps.

  23. Captain Flatulence says:

    My mother in law is a big woman, shes so big that she gets her knickers on prescription.

  24. Captain Flatulence says:

    My mother in law said to me the other day that shes approaching the change in life.
    I asked her from which direction?

  25. BabyMoma19 says:

    Sorry but my mother-in-law is worse than a tornado, blizzard, hurricane, tsunami, ect put together… And all I have done is love her son, have a kid with him and marry him! Why on Earth is she so cruel to someone who wants the best for her son, just as much as she supposedly does?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Back to Top ↑