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Published on September 7th, 2009 | by Staggered

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Several Thousand Wedding Jokes

Getting married is a serious business, which is why we’ve compiled a list of wedding jokes so you can try and forget about the whole hideous business. Be warned, we’ve looked far and wide to collect every wedding and marriage chestnut known to man so most of these are as old as the hills but if you’re looking for something to pad out your speech or liven up a dull stag-do, you’ll find it in the following pages.

 

Staggered’s Top Ten Wedding Jokes

1) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

2) Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

3) Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

4) I haven’t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months, I don’t like to interrupt her

5) As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

6) My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.

7) The vicar noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. He told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, altar hymn, aisle, altar, hymn…

8) What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

9) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

10) A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

 

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About the Author

Staggered is the world’s leading publisher for grooms, best men and fathers of the bride. Across websites, emails and magazines we help over 73,000 men every month.



8 Responses to Several Thousand Wedding Jokes

  1. Pingback: Funny Ha Ha, Not Funny Peculiar « Wedding TV Blog

  2. Pingback: The Most Over-Used Wedding Speech Jokes – Guest Blog Spot | theweddingguide

  3. Howard Keele says:

    Getting married is one of the most wonderful moments in a person’s life. Since getting married is the most joyful moment in the lives of the bride and the groom; it seems befitting that it should be followed with the best wedding reception possible after the formal ceremony. One of the best things about the wedding reception is definitely the wedding speeches that take place.  Wedding speech is tradition that has been going on for centuries.  It is generally customary for loved ones of the wedding couple to extend their best wishes to the bride and the groom.  However; these speeches should be made naturally and also these speeches should be laced with humorous jokes in order to lighten the environment.  Although the wedding day will be a joyous day for all; it is important to lighten the environment with a light hearted speech.  Especially the bride and the groom will appreciate your candor.  In this speech, talking about the positive aspects of the wedding can also be a great morale booster to the wedding couple. Of course, making a wedding speech is not an easy event.  It involves detailed preparation; but in the end for the speech to be successful, it must come from the bottom of your heart.  The wedding speech must have a positive tone and the speech should convey hope to every one in the wedding reception. This article does give a alternatives and suggestions to make your speech a light hearted. . If you need any suggestions for wedding venues, Keele Conferences & Events can provide many excellent venues, such as wedding venues in Stoke-on-Trent. Aside from Wedding venues, they also have conference venues and sports centers with necessary facilities.

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  7. Pingback: Serendipity on Wedding Speeches - Advice for Grooms | Serendipity Photography Melbourne — The Best Melbourne Wedding PhotographySerendipity Photography Melbourne

  8. No sign of the old classic North Wales joke then!
    I’ve actually experienced so extremely funny, and brave speeches this year. Luckily those delivering them judged their audience well and they all worked.

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